Once you welcome gratitude into your daily life you will have planted the seed. A shifting mind set will begin to grow. You will begin to change. You will know why so many people talk about the benefits of a daily gratitude practice, and you will taste that magic. It is common for our intentional gratitude practice to start strong and weaken over time. You will notice the feeling of content, beautiful grateful wonder missing as you have slipped into old patterns. You are okay. Notice your feelings, what is there, what is missing. Your feelings are a message from your soul. Begin again, or keep going. Our mind is sticky. It will search for old routine and familiar pathways trying to find the easy way. The right way will not be the easy way at first. The tension to realign is thick, continue to turn your ship. Intentional self discipline will become easy as you tunnel new pathways toward gratitude and positivity.
It’s okay to be sad
I didn’t think I would get on the plane. I had been coaching myself for weeks, telling my self I was okay. I could get on the plane. There is nothing to fear. I can and I will give up my control to the pilots and we will arrive safely. Zach and I got our things in order incase the unthinkable were to happen to us while we are away. The morning of our flight came. I was excited- like a kid. It was 5am, Jude and Bennett were buzzing. I was right there with them. We sat at our gate Zach and I were fielding requests for water, snacks and repeatedly answering the eager questions of a 4 and 6 year old: whennnnnn can we get on the planeeeeee? In side, I was losing it. My body was hollowing out, I was taking flight. I was taking deep breaths, coaching myself telling myself I am safe, I am strong, I am present. I was tapping and ground and I was trying incredibly hard to keep it together and respond kindly to the kids.
I was sitting on the floor in the bathroom stall. Vomiting, shaking, crying. I was texting Zach- I cant get on the plane. I can’t cry and be sick in front of strangers. Zach was so understanding, and firm. He got me on that plane. I sat down waiting to board and my emotions hit me like a train. I was sobbing, I was sad. Now I know, I wasn’t scare of flying. My body was signaling to me that I was stepping out of alignment. I didn’t want to leave Summer and Callum behind. Zach and I had discussed bringing them to BC with us the days leading up to our departure. We decided it would be a huge connection investment for us to spend this week alone with Jude and Bennett. We would be able to give them all of our attention and soak them in. Still, my heart was breaking. I felt like I was decoding societal programing that I “should” be okay leaving my kids. I “should” want a break, I “should” be strong enough to leave them. Well, that is not who I am. I don’t enjoy leaving my kids, and when I need a “break” what I really need is a sensory shift, quiet time. I learnt a lot about myself in motherhood in these moments at the airport. I am grateful for the lesson. I am grateful Zach is my tether. And next time, those little twinnies are coming with us.
There were a few beautiful moments that came from me processing these emotions.
One was how Jude and Bennett responded. They were kind and gentle with me. Each other them checked in on me, asking me why I was sad. Being honest with them about being sad to leave Summer and Callum opened a space for us to talk about our family connection and how we value our time together. They both missed their brother and sister too .
Another moment was while walking to our seats a woman noticed me sobbing- I mean, it was hard to miss my audible tears. She grabbed my hand and said “you have had better days, and you will again”.
That woman was traveling with her daughter and her granddaughter. They came back to our seats and sat with us. Bennett and the young girl are the same age. Our flight was nearly empty so they sat together and played.
A friend of mine has inspired Zach and I to attempt the 5 hour flight screen free. We don’t have tablets for the kids so we didn’t have much of an option. It was actually great. We read, did homework, chit chatted, dreamed, and made many trips to the washroom. Reflecting back, yes some shut-eye on the plane would have been nice. The boys could have watched a show. And I can’t help but be grateful for that time together, no distractions, buckled in, connecting.
Follow the guidance of your angels, your calling.
Over the past 8+ months my angels have been trying to tell me something. They were persistent. I am grateful it is not of their nature to give up on me. I had seen their call, many times. I was avoiding their signs. Finally, everything came to a head. I was overwhelmed with sadness, confusion, pain, darkness, and questions. In that very same moment that I sat on my floor for hours crying that I answered the call of my angels. I opened my messages and replied. I believe we have only scratched the surface as to why Nicole and I have come into each others orbit at this time. I am certain we will discover more and support each other further. Nicole, thank you for trusting your self and connecting with me. Our walk has been a catalyst to deepen a great shift within me. You have blessed me, and I am grateful.
